It's not just physical... it really isn't! And this is something I've learnt first hand in the last couple of months. Nearly everyone with chronic pain suffers with depression and anxiety- don't believe me? Google is full of the facts- yet it seems that virtually no one is aware of the effects that chronic pain can have on you.
I get the phrase "atleast your not dying" quite a lot... and don't get me wrong I know this is said most of the time from good friends who are trying to reassure me and make me feel better but unfortunately the thought of being alive and the realisation that you are going to have to live in this amount of pain every day for the rest of your probabaly long life is scary, daunting and you just don't want to think of a future of endless pain.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to life I have most of the time, I'm thankful that I have an amazing family, great friends, a supportive school, a home, food and water. Which for some people is only a dream. But. And this is a big but, sometimes, and maybe it's just and hour of the day- maybe before I fall asleep that I really really hate the life I've been given, and that doesn't mean I'm going to give up and not go to school and not go and get a degree and not get a job and have a fulfilling life because I can assure you I am but for that little snippet of my day- this reality just isn't enough- some people may read this and think "drama queen much" and I don't have an answer because I have the same reaction to myself all the time! But you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself every now and then, your worst is the worst you've ever felt so that's pretty shitty for you.. you will never feel someone else's worst so don't judge them for it either.
What people need to realise is that yes "it could be worse" but also "it could be better"
Hello Amelia:
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that you suffer not only from the condition itself but also the indifference of the general public to the severity of your situation. I think you can only know this through experience, though; the public tend to want to reject thoughts of illness and pain for themselves because they are quite justifiably scared of it. Therefore, if they dismiss your condition in terms of 'at least you're not dying,' they are essentially telling themselves that, if it happens to them (which they don't want to think about), they won't die.
My experience is of a condition called Fibromyalgia, which is a condition that is not diagnosed as such, it is the last option given when all other tests come back negative. In other words, I have a condition which no-one can see, and every time you go to the doctor with a symptom, there is nothing to be found. Some call it malingering - a posh way of saying it's a fake, when it is not. I also have a condition of which nine out of ten sufferers are women, and I am the one in ten men that has this condition that no-one can see, and there are few other men out there with whom I can identify and communicate with. It's a grim situation.
Anyway, I did not mean to go full-on into self-pity, I simply wanted to let you know that there are others in your situation, for which you have my every sympathy. As you can tell, I do tend to go on a bit, but if you ever want a natter you can usually find me on Facebook, Gmail or some other social network emporium.
Cheers,
Stephen x